im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
