Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
