mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
