Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
