Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
God I need to hump something, right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
