Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
