I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
