I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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