So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
