I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
