I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
