My sheets look like a crime scene.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
