I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
