my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
