I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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