My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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