Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
did i just pee glitter
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
