i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
