And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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