My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
