why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
