R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
