I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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