My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
