You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
