which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
