I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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