trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
