I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
