Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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