Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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