you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
