Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
