I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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