I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
