Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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