I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
