My room smells like vodka and shame
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
