she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
