Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
