yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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