just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
