please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
