he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
