It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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