It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
