I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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