Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
