I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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