So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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