haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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