I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
